Arse-COVID-Pocolips 2022

TLDR – thought I had hemorrhoid turned out I had sepsis and rectal swelling resulting in a 15cm abscess in my left ass cheek requiring surgical removal. After removal, Michelle tested positive for COVID. – Don’t read if are not into gross medical stuff.

Arse pain begins

It started on a Thursday. I complained to Michelle of some minor ass pain. Perhaps I’d cut myself wiping after a poo or maybe an ingrown hair. Friday, I was unable to sit and spent most of the day in bed. By now I’m thinking hemorrhoid. It looked and felt like a swollen worm leaving by bhole. Spent Saturday in bed on my side, unable to move without massive pain. The swelling moved into my butt cheeks and testicles. Sunday, I tried to work setting on only one cheek. Luckily it was an easy day not putting me on zoom all day. Monday I made the morning meeting in pain. Around 1000 I went to the GP, who took a look at and poked about in my crack.

GP said sepsis. He gave me a shot of antibiotics and a script for 3 pills a day for the week. Said the swelling might go down, or I might need to have surgery to drain the abscess. The sepsis prognosis, plus the pain, was enough to get me out of work for the rest of the week. I made it in bed on my side until Wednesday, when I started calling to book a room at the Beacon hospital to have the surgery. The abscess is not getting small. The pain is not letting up at all -it’s getting worse. As a bonus, the antibiotics have me sweating all night long if I’m cold or hot does not matter sweat.

Thursday, I went into the hospital around 1000. The emergency Doctor who first checked said laughingly, “wow that’s huge you’ll need surgery.” They moved me to the surgical theater and knocked me out under general anesthesia around 1600. I woke up around 1730 with a second butt hole and a massive bandage holding my cheeks shut – this could be interesting. When I say massive I mean it. Like picture a loaf of bread, cut it in half horizontally, then stick it across your butt taping your cheeks together. The medical term for what I had is a Perianal abscess – if you wanted to know what happened there is a YouTube video of the procedure with the title “PERIANAL ABSCESS TREATMENT,” not linked here for health and safety reasons. – DO NOT WATCH IT, PLEASE.

Checking in from the hospital

The hospital kept me overnight where nurses laughed at me when I asked them how I’m going to take a poop – this is going to be so fun. The hospital released me on Friday after changing the gauze packed in the wound and removing the loaf of bread bandage. With an abscesses, this large doctors leave the wound open, packing gauze in it daily as the wound heals from the inside out. Otherwise, the abscess with fill up again and need to be drained again. I get to come back to the hospital daily to have my wound redressed for the next week happy days.

Back home

Wednesday of last week, Michelle had red cheeks on her face like she’d smacked herself with poison ivy. She figured maybe a face potion did not agree with her skin. Her rash was not clearing up. Thursday, while I went in for surgery she was feeling a bit run down and took a day off to nap. Friday, when I finally made it home she was even weaker and spent the evening bed after I was home to manage the kids. We ordered take away.

Saturday, while taking my first poo since surgery, I had a surprise when I wiped. My gauze all came out. Freaked me out a bit – you know open wound poo. Not a good mix. Cleaned up as best as possible. I Woke Michelle to give my bhole a check and try to rebandage things. She took one for the team. That’s love and marriage there! She went back to sleep and I called the nurse. The nurse told me to come in an hour to have the dressing redone; nothing to worry about.

Michelles Positive test

While I’m at the beacon having a nice nurse clean and repack the second hole in my butt Michelle sent me a picture of a covid test that instantly showed positive. DAMMIT !! – like we’re competing to see who has a better reason to hide in bed. On the plus side, I’m much more mobile now. I’d be better off if the doctor had told me too or if he’d shaved my arse. The bandages keep pulling the remaining hairs. Going to have to shave and shower tomorrow before heading in for fresh bandages.

I ride Mila’s bike to the hospital. It has an all-electronic mode doing about 25kph without pedaling. Perfect ambulance! Now the question. “do we test the kids and send them to school or keep them home and isolate them for the week” – tune in next week to find out


Doctors note letting me out of work for a few weeks.
Boss asked me where the surgery was, I drew a picture
I like the hospital admissions number
About to be knocked out on some super happy drugs already



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